


The Good Book

by krabapple



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-23
Updated: 2011-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-27 21:48:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/300394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krabapple/pseuds/krabapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even God thinks Remus is gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Good Book

**Author's Note:**

> Written prior to DH. If you are a fan of Remus/Tonks, you might want to stay away. There isn't any character bashing, though.

Aziraphale was rather enthusiastically feeding the ducks when Crowley arrived for their pre-determined rendezvous at the park.

That is, if the word "enthusiastically" had been changed to mean "rather viciously." He nearly beaned one particular duck with about a quarter of a stale French loaf by the time Crowley sauntered up next to him. Crowley glanced at the angel out of the corner of his eye.

"Something the matter, Aziraphale?" Crowley asked.

Aziraphale nearly sent another duck to meet his maker before quietly responding through gritted teeth. "No, nothing," he said.

"Hmmm."

The two stood in silence for a minute before Aziraphale finally spoke again. "I've, uh, been given a mission by the, shall we say, ineffeable bureaucracy."

"Ah," Crowley responded. "Have a wile to thwart, have you?"

"In a manner of speaking." Aziraphale paused. "I might need your help with this one."

Crowley raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Well. Allow me to take you to lunch," he said, taking Aziraphale by the arm and guiding him out of the park.

***

Remus Lupin was walking quietly through the street. He was looking for a vintage magical tome on soul imprinting that, for some reason, he had found a lead on when he called up a small bookshop owned by what sounded like a very nice man. The man had assured him that, yes, he had a copy of that edition and that, yes, Remus was welcome to come by to pick it up that Saturday afternoon. How in the world that book had ended up in a Muggle shop Remus had yet to reason out; he could only hope that the Muggles had taken it to be a joke book of some sort, and not actually tried any of the techniques expounded upon within. Not that any real harm could come to a non-magical person attempting the spells, but Remus did not want to think about the sheer _mess_ a small shard of soul would make on a carpet.

Looking up, Remus realized he'd found the address, and palmed open the door to the shop carefully. A small bell jingled above his head, announcing his arrival. There were no customers, and no one Remus could see in immediate view in the shop.

As bookshops went, this one was no different than hundreds of others Remus had visited, though that did not mean Remus wasn't impressed. There were rows upon rows of carefully organized and full bookshelves in the small space; the entire place smelled faintly of dust, mold, ink and tea, and Remus felt at home at once. He took a deep breath, breathing in the smell and the slightly muggy sense of undisturbed air in the shop. He was about to politely call out to see if anyone was about when a man about Remus' own age, with light brown hair and wearing a waistcoat, stepped out from a room in the back.

"Remus Lupin?" the man asked, walking more fully into the shop.

"Uh, yes. Yes, indeed. We spoke on the phone, I believe, regarding a first edition . . ."

"Of _Horcruxes: How to Imprint One's Own Soul On Inanimate Objects One Must Be Careful Not To Lose In Any Instance_." The man walked closer.

"Ah, yes, that's the one," Remus replied. "You said that you had a copy of the book, uh . . . sir," Remus fumbled.

The man came to a stop rather close to him, Remus thought. Apparently he lacked some social graces, or at the very least a sense of personal space. No matter, Remus thought, so many booksellers were like that in nature.

"Aziraphale. You may call me, well . . . feel free to call me Aziraphale," the bookshop owner said. He was so close Remus could feel the man's breath on his face.

"Er. Aziraphale. The book?"

"Yes, I have a copy," the man--Aziraphale--said. He was looking at Remus quite closely.

"Excellent." Remus swallowed hard under the rather intense scrutiny. "Er. If I could just see the book . . ."

Aziraphale took another step forward, which Remus could have sworn was impossible, and waved his right hand rather casually in the air by his side. "The book, yes, of course, of course . . . we'll get to that . . ."

"Oh, well," Remus started, but was cut off when Aziraphale leaned forward and kissed him rather hard on the mouth.

The kiss lasted for a full twenty seconds as Remus frantically tried to process the fact that the owner of this bookshop was _kissing him_ , before Remus finally managed to get his hands up and, with great effort, push Aziraphale away. The bookshop owner was stronger, and heavier, than he looked.

Remus sputtered for a minute before managing, "I. I don't know why you think I called, but. Er. I really am just interested in the book. If you don't have it, or don't want to sell it, I can go. I should go. You know, that's a good idea. I should go," Remus babbled.

"Was that not good?" Aziraphale asked.

That brought Remus up short. "What?"

"The kiss. Did I not do that right? I should probably try again." Aziraphale stepped forward again, but Remus' outstretched palm stopped him.

"I. I. It was fine. I . . . guess. A little wet. Too much teeth. But, you know," Remus found himself saying.

"Oh. Right then. Let me try again." Aziraphale stepped forward. Remus took a step back.

"I, well. That's not necessary." Remus could have sworn Aziraphale actually looked disappointed, and a little panicked, at that. "I mean. Er. It's not about whether it was a good or a bad kiss. I just don't . . . do that sort of thing." This time, Remus could have sworn that he saw the corners of Aziraphale's mouth twitch.

"Ah. Right," Aziraphale said. "Except for Sam Stout, Severus Snape, Sirius Black, John Newcastle, David Smith, that fellow from Liverpool, and Sirius Black again." Aziraphale really did smile this time.

"I didn't mean with _men_ , I meant . . . wait. How do you know that?"

Aziraphale made the same motion with his hand that he had before. "I have some . . . er, connections."

"Right," Remus said.

"Yes."

The two stared at each other for a moment in silence.

"So. Shall we try that again?" Aziraphale asked.

"What? I? No!" Remus managed.

Aziraphale tilted his head. "I rather thought you liked it."

"It's not about whether or not I liked it--and, by the way, there were too many teeth involved--I. I'm involved with someone else right now."

Aziraphale smiled that smile again. Remus decided it was rather infuriating. "Ah, indeed. Still. She's all wrong for you."

"She is not! She's wonderful . . . how do you know about her?"

"Connections."

"Indeed."

"You know I'm right about her, though. You know it, deep down."

"I know no such thing. Tonks is very lovely; what's wrong with her?"

"Well. For one thing, she doesn't have, as you might say, a cock."

Remus turned a brilliant shade of scarlet, whether out of embarrassment or anger, he wasn't sure. "How dare you!"

Aziraphale merely waved his hand in the air again. Remus decided that was rather infuriating, too. "Remus. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just the way you were made; nothing not in the plan, I could say."

"How . . . what?"

"Now, then. Since we've cleared that up, can we please get on with it? From what I've heard, there's been a great deal of talking during this seduction already."

"Seduction? You're trying to seduce me?" Remus stuttered.

Aziraphale sighed. "Humans. Of course I'm trying to seduce you. Come on, then."

This time, Remus could do nothing but stare, speechless, his jaw nearly on the floor. Aziraphale must have seen an opening, because he leaned in and kissed Remus with such force that Remus lost his footing and stumbled backwards into a full bookshelf. Dimly, Remus heard a few books fall to the floor, but at the moment, all he could feel was Aziraphale's mouth on his own, a tongue, warm and wet, darting out to pry his mouth open. Something in Remus snapped a little and he gave himself over to the kiss, opening his mouth and inhaling deeply the smell of Aziraphale, who smelled like a combination of books, sugar, and something Remus couldn't quite name. He stood there and allowed himself to be kissed, and kissed back, feeling strangely euphoric, even with the spines of several books digging into his back.

Slowly, Aziraphale's hand snaked down from where it had been tangled in Remus' hair. When it reached its destination, Remus made a rather undignified squeak.

Aziraphale pulled away from Remus' mouth, and smiled. His hand was cupping Remus' growing erection through Remus' trousers. He moved his hand experimentally, and Remus grew even harder. "That's a good sign, I think," Aziraphale noted, dropping to his knees.

"Oh, God," Remus said, the back of his head hitting a shelf as Aziraphale opened his fly and took out Remus' very interested cock.

"Exactly," Aziraphale said, and took Remus in his mouth.

It didn't take Remus long to come; the combination of Aziraphale's mouth, hot and wet, his tongue--so slick--and the strange feeling of bliss in his chest made the road to orgasm a rather short and deeply satisfying one.

Just after Remus came, the aftershocks of orgasm still tingling their way across his skin, there came a booming voice from the back room Aziraphale had come from.

"I don't know how you talk me into these things, angel, but this is the last time, _I swear_. The promises I had to make to get this done, you have _no idea_. I'm going to be on trash duty for at least twelve centuries. You owe me, Aziraphale. Bless you! You are _not_ to interfere while I delay flights at Heathrow _ever again_." The ranting voice grew louder, and Remus peripherally knew that its owner must have walked fully into the room.

Aziraphale pulled back gently, carefully disengaging from Remus' cock. Remus looked down at a disheveled Aziraphale, hair awry, flushed cheeks, mouth swollen, lips wet from going down on him, and he got hard again almost instantly.

Until he heard a second voice emerge from the back room. "I still have no bloody idea what's just happened. I also don't understand why you just can't tell me . . . REMUS LUPIN!"

Remus' eyes flew open to take in a fully alive, fully animated, and fully furious Sirius Black. Aziraphale very quietly and very quickly tucked Remus back into his trousers and pulled the zip up, for which Remus gave him a smile and his eternal gratitude.

"I. Sirius," was all Remus managed. Remus looked helplessly from Aziraphale, who had stood up next to him, to Sirius, to the dark haired man in the sunglasses who was with Sirius.

"Remus," Sirius replied.

"I. You've been dead," Remus said lamely.

"Er. Not exactly dead," the other dark haired man interjected. "Just sort of . . . in limbo."

"Purgatory?" Aziraphale asked sympathetically.

"He wishes. America," the man answered. "Damn humans having to experiment around with death. Can't leave well enough alone."

This was met with a resounding silence, while Aziraphale nodded in agreement.

"So. You're not dead," Remus finally ventured.

"Apparently not," Sirius answered.

"Ah," Remus said.

Aziraphale and the other man looked at each other. Remus heard the one in the sunglasses snort.

"These two are just brilliant," the other man said.

"I have my job to do, too, you know," Aziraphale said, rather petulantly, it seemed to Remus.

"Looks like you did it just then, didn't you," Sirius muttered, provoking a laugh from Remus that made Sirius utterly beam.

Aziraphale caught the other man's eye, and he snorted again. "Well. You know. Go on, you two. Live happily ever after or other some such, somewhere else," the one in the sunglasses said.

"Crowley!" Aziraphale reprimanded.

Crowley crossed his arms over his chest and said nothing. Aziraphale sighed.

"I guess . . . we could go . . ." Remus offered. "It's just . . . doesn't this all strike you as odd? People don't just come back from the dead, you know."

Aziraphale thought about that one time, what they'd made him do with that Elvis guy, but kept silent.

"You're the people who ride around on flying brooms, wave sticks in the air, change feathers into needles and other such nonsense, and you think coming back from the dead is strange?"

"How do you know about that?" Remus asked rather sharply.

The man Aziraphale called Crowley only shrugged.

"He does have a bit of a point, Moony," Sirius said.

Remus sighed.

"Well, yes. You probably do want to get on home before dark," Aziraphale suggested.

"Er. All right," Remus said, when something occurred to him. "What about the book?"

"Oh, yes!" Aziraphale nearly bounded into the back room. He emerged seconds later, a large tome in his hands.

"Here you are," he said, handing the book to Remus, who took it almost reverentially. Both Crowley and Sirius snickered.

"Thank you," Remus said. "How much do I owe you?"

Aziraphale waved his hand again. "Oh, nothing. Take it as a gift."

Remus started to protest when Sirius said, "A blowjob and a free book. Big day for you, Remus."

Remus looked over at him. "And you, Padfoot. Big day for me, indeed."

Not even Crowley could snort at that, and the look on Remus' face and the answering one on Sirius', no matter how much he might have wanted to.

As Sirius passed Crowley on his way toward Remus and the door, Crowley grabbed Sirius by the arm, leaned in and said, "Tell Harry: Regulus." At Sirius' surprised look, Crowley only said, "Just tell him. He'll figure it out. Eventually."

"Thank you," Remus finally repeated. Aziraphale nodded as Remus and Sirius walked together toward the door. Remus waved in a small motion to both Aziraphale and Crowley as he and Sirius walked out of the shop and into the dusk, where the sun could be seen setting quietly in the west. "Some things have happened since you've been gone . . ." Remus said as the door shut behind them.

Crowley turned to Aziraphale. "How was it?"

Aziraphale sauntered over and shrugged. "Not bad. Don't know what those humans complain about."

"Humans have a gag reflex."

"True," Aziraphale agreed.

Both of them heard Sirius bellow, "TONKS!" from down the street.


End file.
